Back to School, 16 Years Later

I was sitting in the passenger seat on my way to school for the first time in 16 years, and I was anxious. Thoughts racing: will I be the oldest in my class? Am I dressed right for someone my age in college? Will I be able to keep up with the work? All those little voices stirring up self doubt and worry. In hindsight it's easy to wonder why I was so concerned about things that weren't really important or might never happen, but at the time I wasn't thinking that clearly.

Once I was situated in my English class I calmed down a lot. My anxiety kicks in more when I need to be on a schedule. I reminded myself that most people are just as concerned about themselves as I am about myself, which took the focus off my own head. I thought about how my age gave me experience, maybe even knowledge worth sharing. I started a conversation with the person next to me to break the ice, and of course it went fine. It was an easy day, introductions and syllabus. By the time the professor was teaching, I could already feel how much I was going to enjoy being back.

I decided early to be open about my history. I wrote about my felonies in class assignments, which is part of why I'm not as ashamed anymore. The professors who heard about them said they love to see redemption students, and that it'll make a hell of an essay when I apply to four-year colleges.

The gap showed itself fast, though. Sixteen years out of a classroom means relearning the basics. I didn't know how to annotate a reading. I had to figure out how to study efficiently, from scratch.

And not everything went smoothly. I dealt with a lot of procrastination. Somewhere in there I went to my doctor about low energy, and given my history she diagnosed depression, which didn't help the procrastination. I would binge watch shows or movies to keep my mind from thinking. I'd do the work in class but push the homework off until the last day, which just cranked the stress up, because I was rushing everything and still wanted A's. A bad day looked like this: wake up, put on Netflix for breakfast, tell myself I'd do homework after one episode. Then it was the next episode, then maybe a movie, until it was bedtime. I had good weeks and bad weeks. My life hadn't had much structure for a very long time, and I wasn't going to just snap into a schedule because I wanted to.

So I worked with what I had. I asked and answered questions as much as possible, the more engaged I was, the more I got out of it. I used tutors and office hours whenever I needed help, which makes a huge difference; if you ever go to college, use them. By the end of the semester I was helping out and acting as a "leader" in my English and math classes. Professors' words, not mine. Hearing that did more for my morale than they probably knew.

My computer science class was all online, like a lot of them are now. I remember sitting at my desktop in my room the first time I compiled and ran something I wrote in C++. It was called myCity.cpp, and all it did was print this:

Programmer: Kenneth Crabtree
Description: This program declares and assigns variables and outputs the forecasted high temperatures for a 5-day period for Concord, CA

Concord, California forecast high temperatures:
Saturday, Feb 8, 58 degrees
Sunday, Feb 9, 59 degrees
Monday, Feb 10, 58 degrees
Tuesday, Feb 11, 55 degrees
Wednesday, Feb 12, 52 degrees
source: weather.com

Text in a terminal. It seems so basic to me now, but at the time it was an awesome experience. I showed my wife and she said something like, "that's it?" Which makes me laugh looking back, because she's seen me do so much more on a computer. But it was the first thing I'd built in years that I was proud of for the right reasons.

Some days I had to use my own just-go-for-five-minutes rule just to show up. My second math exam was one of those days. I had slacked off on studying and did not want to walk in and take that test. I showed up to my test nervous and full of self doubt. Once it got started I actually blew through the test and got 89/100, if I didn't talk myself into showing up for 5 minutes who knows what could have happened. Best case I'd have to reschedule the exam, worst case my anxiety wins and I drop the class.

I mentioned in my story that I enrolled in college many years ago just for financial aid. This time I was there to learn and earn a degree, not for a payday.

I finished my first semester with two A's and a B. I'm very proud of myself for going back, and I can't wait to see what doors it opens.

For anyone reading this who feels like they're too old and missed their chance: you're dead wrong. College has no age limits, and you're never too old to learn.

Still climbing. Still leveling up.