Ken, You've Handled Worse

Some of you might know that I grew up religious, however I am no longer religious. My wife and I have a friend from NA who is very religious now and wants my wife to go to this women's convention of two religious podcasters. Which got me thinking about why religion can be so powerful. I knew from some prior research that prayer can be very powerful because of what it does to the brain. My wife was telling me about these "miracles" that our friend was telling her about and said something close to "some of the stories are pretty crazy though". Which I agree, of course there are stories out there that are spectacular to hear about, and religious people will give credit to praying. Due to the conversation we had it got me searching for more answers, how exactly does religion change people's lives. Obviously it's great to have good morals to live by and by believing in some omnipotent being that created and controls everything it can create a sense of relief.

What is prayer? You step outside your own head, address your problem to someone else, in structured language. Strip the theology and that's a psychological technique with a name. I am currently on my journey of improving myself so I was curious how I could replicate the benefits of prayer if I don't believe in something to pray to. Which brought me to meditation which I was aware of, but also something called "Self-Distancing" which I hadn't heard of before. When you talk to yourself in the third person or consult your "future self," you are utilizing similar machinery as conversational prayer, but keeping it entirely secular. Ethan Kross's lab at the University of Michigan ran seven studies with 585 people: those who talked to themselves using their own name or "you" during stressful tasks felt less distress and performed better than people using "I." A 2017 follow-up used EEG and fMRI, and the emotional response dropped within about one second of switching to third person, without requiring extra mental effort. That last part matters: most ways of managing your emotions take effort. This one doesn't. Most people know it's easier to give a friend advice than to follow it yourself, your friend's problem is obvious, yours is foggy. Using your own name tricks your brain into treating you like someone else's problem. That's the whole mechanism, and it's also why it sounds like prayer: you're addressing the situation from outside it.

This is how you actually do it.

• In the moment: swap "I can't handle this" for "Ken, you've handled worse." Name, not "I."
• Before something hard: "What would you tell a friend in this exact spot?"
• The future-self version: "Will this matter to me in a week?" Distance in time works like distance in person.
• When I am at the gym and want to call it quits before finishing my full routine "You have completed it before Ken, you can do it again."
• When I am procrastinating on my homework "Listen Ken, you know you will regret it if you end up doing poorly on a test or getting a worse grade."

I know it can feel strange to think and talk to yourself like that, it took me some practice. Most people know LeBron James, and Kross uses him as an example as well. The morning after announcing his move from Cleveland to Miami in 2010, ESPN showed LeBron footage of fans burning his jersey. His response: "One thing I didn't want to do was make an emotional decision. I wanted to do what was best for LeBron James and what LeBron James was going to do to make him happy." He caught flak for it, but it's a textbook example of stepping outside an emotionally loaded moment.

Meditating is something that takes more practice to implement. I tend to take at least 5 minutes before bed and do it. I used to try and meditate and would give up because I thought I was doing it wrong. Turns out it takes weeks before noticing any difference. You aren't supposed to have a clear mind the whole time, that's actually quite impossible. The idea is you focus on one thing, for example I use the feeling of the air on my nose when breathing, and when your mind wanders, which it inevitably will, you bring the focus back to the feeling. Think of it like doing a rep at the gym each time that happens, you could do 3, 50, or 200 of these in a meditation session, the idea is once your mind wanders, you bring the focus back. I do it at night to help me sleep, because of this I ensure I have already brushed my teeth, washed my face, completed my night routine, so when I am done and relaxed I can lay down for sleep.

Meditating and Self-Distancing are proven techniques that I am implementing in my daily routines, no belief required, no equipment, and it's free. If you want further reading, the book is Chatter by Ethan Kross.

Still climbing.

Still leveling up.